It’s not hard to understand why this quote speaks to me.  Does it speak to you? 

As you may know, I’ve recently had some frustrating experiences with self sabotage and have done some “binge eating” in the face of success.  And it has left me feeling disappointed and with a lot of questions.  Mainly, why is it so easy for me to give up in the midst of weight loss success?  And then I can think of 15 more questions to follow.  The thing that bothers me the most is that there is a reason for it and I don’t know what it is.

I started reading up on self sabotaging types of behaviors but I didn’t find anything that really stood out as to why I do this.  So at this point, I am still looking for answers.  Perhaps it’s best to start off by saying what I want.

I want to live a healthy lifestyle.  I want to like eating fruit, vegetables, other healthy foods, exercising, and be motivated to live healthfully.  I would say that 80% of me totally wants all that.  But for some reason there is this 20% of me that is afraid of it and has HUGE reservations about letting go.  That part of me is scared crap-less of being successful at this weight loss thing.  I mean, I’m not an emotional eater for nothing.  It only makes sense that my emotions are the key to this problem and are the foundation for the fear in my 20%.

Maybe rather than focusing on converting the full 20% to the other 80%, I should focus on a little at a time.  Rather than constantly thinking 130 pounds is my goal… 130, 130, 130, 130, 130…. 20 more pounds to go.  So close. So close. SO CLOSE.  And yet, the closer I get, the farther I feel. 

I might be more successful if I focus on 5 pounds.  And only 5 pounds.  That’s a good place to start.

But does that solve my real problem?  What is so scary about reaching my goal weight?  Why is it SO easy to give up?  I always seem to get back up and keep going but it seems to get harder each time this happens.  The internal struggle is a force to be reckoned with. 

I am nowhere near giving up though.  I’m a fighter and my defeat is only temporary.  Just at a loss for answers right now.  Looking for guidance.

SparkPeople likes to give a little explanation of each quote they have.  I find these to be very insightful.  Here is the translation they have for today’s quote:

When you fail do you find it hard to get back up? If you do, you are completely normal. Many people use failure as an excuse to give up. It is important to understand that failure is a part of the growth process. Think about this example. How many times does a small child fall over before they finally stand and eventually walk? It is countless, but somewhere along the way, most of us lose that ambition to keep trying until you succeed. The next time you are defeated, think about it as part of a process. Get up and try again and again until you move forward.

I also found this blurb of information about self sabotage from a website that actually sells guided workshops dealing with the issue. They are selfsabotagebehavior.com if you are interested. I just found this blurb to be somewhat relative to how I am feeling (although not quite to this extreme):

Self-sabotage behavior is when there is no logical or rational explanation for why you can’t do the things you want to do or why you can’t have the things you want to have.

It’s not a lack of desire, skills, knowledge or effort that hold you back. Rather, there’s something inside you that’s stronger than your desire and it sabotages your efforts to do the things you want to do and have the things you want to have.

Self-sabotage behavior can destroy your motivation to do the things you really want to do by creating an internal tug-of-war. Everyone sabotages himself or herself from time to time. Unfortunately, sometimes we sabotage ourselves to the point of not being able to live the successful, happy life we really want to live.

Self-sabotage behavior can leave you feeling frustrated, discouraged, and trapped in a situation you desperately want to change.

And lastly, I submit my problem to you.  Do you have any insight into self sabotage?  Have you experienced it and overcome it before?  Are you plagued by it as well and searching for answers?  Do you have any advice?  I’d love to hear it, even if you think it’s silly.