I just found this article on iVillage’s Total Health website that discusses a new drug that is currently in clinical trials that is supposed to treat drug addiction.  While testing the drug on rats, they discovered that the drug induced satiety in the rats, making them feel full and end up losing weight.  The researchers think that because the drug targets the part of the brain where addiction comes from, it affects the desire to binge eat in obese people as well because they are both addictive behaviors.  Being a recovering drug addict AND compulsive eater myself, I can certainly understand how one treatment could take care of both types of addiction. 

The thing that strikes me as funny about this is that when I was addicted to meth (about 10 years ago), I lost a ton of weight within a couple of months.  And most meth addicts I hung around with were super skinny too because you just don’t want to eat while using it.  I never felt hungry when I was on it (which of course I wasn’t complaining about at the time).  So if a drug addict decides they want to get clean and use this new addiction drug and they are already fairly underweight, will they end up losing even more weight after they get clean?!  Hmmm… just something I thought about as I read the article. 

This could be good news for others though.  Typically when a drug addict gets clean, we turn to coffee, cigarettes, and food to help get through the crazy drug cravings.  So after I got clean, I packed on the pounds because I was having to learn how to live life over again without drugs.  And it was hard the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  So I turned to food, cigarettes, and coffee for comfort.  I ended up quitting smoking about a year before we started trying to get pregnant.  That was killer but so worth it. 

Now I am tackling my weight, which has been a lifelong struggle for me.  But again, fighting this fight is so well worth it.  Coffee might be next on the list but hey, one vice at a time, right? 

Oh yes, after my total digression there, back to my point.  This new drug will probably appeal to those who are like me that turned to food after they got clean.  Since it can help fight the onset of obesity in those who are already suseptible to it. 

But then it makes me wonder if a miracle drug is a good thing or not.  If I could just take something to make my problem go away, would I ever learn the lessons I need to learn about WHY I actually got that way to begin with?  I mean, the behavior would never be corrected or even addressed, so the addictive pattern would just manifest itself in another way. 

Maybe gambling.  (Did I mention I LOVE gambling too?  Yeah, I have to watch myself there.) 

Maybe drinking. 

Maybe tv watching (ahem, guilt here as well). 

Anything that makes us feel good, distracts us from our feelings, and allows us to sink into that comfy little world of denial.  So basically until those feelings are addressed, issues are dealt with, problems are looked at, they will not go away. 

What we resist will persist. 

That’s why I have to deal with this stuff head on because I can’t afford to be selfish anymore.  I can’t ignore the truth and those things that are right in my face.  I have a family now that depends on me.  So when I choose to bury my head in the sand, it’s not only myself that I am hurting, but it’s them.  And it’s just not worth it.

Needless to say, I won’t be in line to take this new drug if it becomes available.  Although the me of 10 years ago would have been, heck, maybe even the me of 2 years ago would have been.  But not now.  Because it’s just not me anymore.

What happens when we have goals that we don’t even realize that we have?  Depending on the goal, it can be a good thing or a bad thing.  I already told you about the discovery I made about my “secret goal” to eat whatever I want once I reach my goal weight.  This was a thought that had been lurking in the back of my mind the entire time I’ve been trying to lose weight and upon discovering it, I had to shatter that reservation because there is no end to this diet.  It made a big difference.

Well guess what.  The secret brain society in the back of my head is at it again!  And what did I discover it was up to this time?  Oh you won’t believe this.  My “healthy lifestyle” has been operating under this one foundational principle: 

Eat as badly as you can but still lose weight.  As you can imagine, that is a VERY fine line.  Like ultra, super fine.  And how does someone manage to eat as badly as they can and still lose weight?  By having little to no margin in their diet.  Let me explain.Let’s say my caloric range per day to lose 1-2 pounds a week is 1,200-1,500.  And let’s say I eat the absolute maximum amount of calories each day: 1,500.  How much margin does that leave me for error?  Say, an extra cookie.  Or a bite of Hubby’s garlic mashed potatoes.  Or a couple of cheez-its.  And that is assuming that I can control every single craving, urge, and desire to eat unhealthy. 

Where does that leave me?  Out of my target range, in an instant.  Which turns into stagnation or evening gaining.

This also applies to the points system on Weight Watchers.  I have a daily number of points that I can eat and my thought process behind the points has been the same.  “I need to make sure and eat the maximum number of points each day to get the full value because darn it, I deserve every single one of those points!!”  So I do and then when the evening munchies come on, I find myself diving into my weekly allotment of points.  That would be okay once or twice a week but this behavior has been validated by my thought process of eating as badly as I can but still lose weight and many times I end up going over.

The problem with this line of thinking is this:  It teaches me to try and cheat the system.  It sets me up for thinking “Oh, I tried so hard and it just doesn’t work for me!” and “No matter how much I suffer, I still can’t lose this weight!”  That type of thinking doesn’t promote positive, healthy changes…. it reinforces the old behaviors that got me overweight to begin with. 

Now that I’ve realized this sneaky secret goal exists, I get the opportunity to re-train my way of thinking and re-align my behaviors.  First off, my new conscious goal now is to eat as healthy as I can each meal of each day to feel good.  Doesn’t it sound so simple?  It does.  But when you look at the contrast between the two goals, you can really see how behaviors can contribute and reinforce them.

Old goal:  Eat as badly as you can and still lose weight.

New goal:  Eat as healthy as you can to feel good.

The interesting thing has been that once I changed the premise of my diet, the rest of me has followed.  Now that my goal is to eat healthy to feel good, my thoughts, willingness, and motivation have followed.  Eating crappy foods or snacks just doesn’t sound good because it doesn’t support the bottom line like it used to.

And that brings us back to margin.  Now I can create some margin between the amount of points I take in daily and how many I am allowed.  Reaching my maximum points is not important anymore because it has nothing to do with eating as healthy as I can at each meal.  So I end up with this margin of points at the end of the day.  Which turns into weight loss. 

Go figure.

Finally, that brings me back to the magic of those secret goals and thoughts.  They are the ones we pay little attention to but end up driving our actions if we aren’t careful.  How many more of them are out there?  How many more are swimming around in my head?  It makes me wonder and reminds me how important it is to stay mindful and pay attention to what I am actually thinking.  Sounds crazy but it just might help.

So I weighed in last night at WW and discovered that I lost 1.6 pounds!  WOW!  Maybe this points thing really does work. 

I’ve discovered something else that I really like about being on Weight Watchers.  Honestly, it takes some of the pressure off of myself to keep myself motivated all the time.  When I was going it alone and counting calories, I felt a certain amount of pressure to make sure I was motivated, accountable for what I ate, focused, etc.  But now I can go to a meeting and feel some instant motivation by hearing other people’s stories or their tips and tricks. 

It’s funny how I had just assumed that I had “heard it all” and didn’t expect to learn a lot of new information at the meetings.  I am so glad that I don’t know everything!  (Don’t tell Hubby though.) 

Well after a very rocky first week on Weight Watchers, I still managed to lose .6 lb!  Yay!  The funny thing is that when I weigh in at Weight Watchers, I am fully clothed (thank goodness) and the meeting is right after I eat dinner.  So, the weight that I am at home, first thing in the morning before breakfast and after peeing, is about 5 pounds different than my Weight Watchers weight!  I really want to tell them what I really weigh!  I mean, can’t I just fax or email my number in?  Okay, just kidding.

I’ve been impressed with the program so far.  I have actually enjoyed my first two meetings because they have been very informative, supportive, and educational.  And they celebrate milestones!  So I mean seriously, once I lose 10% of my body weight (which is 15 pounds), I will be partying like a rockstar!  Or should I say SHOPPING like a rockstar!!  All in good time.  It just feels good great to be back in the saddle.

The other thing that I like about Weight Watchers is that when I exercise, I actually earn extra points.  Translation: I get to eat more food!  I don’t have to but I have that choice. 

So this lady was sharing a story last night about how she had gone through the Chick-fil-a drive thru and ordered a drink.  Well, apparently on this particular day if people ordered a drink, they were given a FREE chicken biscuit!!  And they don’t even tell you, they just hand it right over!!  So I mean, come on, giving one of us a free chicken biscuit is like handing a drug addict some meth/heroin/whatever for free!  Right? 

So, bless her heart, this lady didn’t know how to handle the situation but she recognized the triggering effect of the chicken biscuit and how eating it would blow all her hard work… so what does she do? 

She chucked that chicken biscuit into the trash like it was on fire or something!!  (You should have HEARD the groaning during the meeting from the people who could not believe she just threw it away!!  It was hilarious, all in good fun, of course.) 

I don’t know that lady in my meeting but man, I felt so proud of her in that moment.  She demonstrated her willpower beautifully and right then and there she set an example for the rest of us.  Her story yesterday helped me make better food choices today.  Community is powerful stuff. 

So I’ve been away from blogging for a couple of weeks.  I’ve missed it (and you!).   The absence is mostly due to visiting family from out of town.  My mom (see pic) was in town from California for 10 days and then my in-laws visited over the weekend from Tennessee.  It’s been a busy couple of weeks!  (Note: About the picture, Hubby has been left unidentified to protect the innocent.  Mom on the left, me on the right.)

One big development is that my mom has decided to move close to us!  She will be moving all the way from California to North Carolina… a swapping of the coasts, if you will.  And we are thrilled!  She will get to see her granddaughter (and future grandchildren) grow up and be a big part of her life.  And Hubby and I will have a night out every once in awhile without having to pay an arm and a leg for a sitter!  It’s a win-win for all.

Another new development is that I have joined Weight Watchers to help me get to my goal weight and get rid of this last 25 pounds.  I feel good about it and I’ve heard a lot about the program.  So far, I am one week in and will have my second official weigh-in tomorrow night.  I’m nervous.  I have not eaten well in recent weeks and getting back into healthy lifestyle mode this past week has been difficult.  And I most definitely went over on my points. 

I will keep trying because I know that I will get this right.  I know that I can lose the rest of this weight and live a healthy lifestyle.  This is not a goal that is out of my reach.  It’s a goal that I have to keep persevering towards and not give up no matter what.  And part of that is realizing that there will be setbacks but they are not excuses to give up.  No matter what.

I’m back to blogging.  So much to discuss in good time.  I’m also thinking of instigating another weight war with Hubby… any ideas on what the stakes should be? 

OH! and by the way… our grass died!  Hahaha… okay, sad for the “curb appeal” of our house but hilarious that I only had to mow twice in July because the grass has seriously died in this hot weather we’ve been having!  Maybe I should offer to mow again, ha!